Swirling mass of confusion

I’m confused..

A couple of weeks ago I started feeling like I didn’t want to ride. It started becoming a chore and a hassle. I really couldn’t believe it myself since I’ve never felt that way before.

Then I went to the Easter show. Ghost and I entered in one class to start of with and if we did alright we were going to enter in one of the higher ones. Sarah-Anne warmed us up. Ghost refused on the first warm up jump and I fell off. Not a good start. But it didn’t really faze me since I’ve done that more then a few times with Red. We went into the show jumping and it fell apart. We had 2 refusals and I forgot the course and so crossed my tracks once. I came out really angry with myself since I knew Ghost was more then capable.

A few things were said unintentionally to me after the round that hit a raw nerve and made me question riding even further. I opted not to do the Easter show on Monday (which I now regret) and go back to Auckland a day early. I thought a lot about riding during my week off. I came back to Taumarunui wondering what to do. After a good talk with Val I decided to just ride casually over the winter. I had been feeling pressure (from no one in particular, it was just a general feeling) to be riding continually and doing really well in the competitions. And since I wasn’t do well I think it put me off riding competitively. But Val and I cleared that up and since the conversation I have been feeling much better about riding in general.

I’m still at a loss what to do though. I have always wanted to get into horses full time but over the last month and a bit my feelings have been bouncing back and forth in regard to that. Sometimes I am adamant I never want to get into horses full time and sometimes I still think it would be cool. Right now I’m thinking of going to university to study photography next year and have a break from horses for a couple of years. For the last four years my life has been devoted to Red and to horses. I’ve worked my butt of trying to pay for him and trying to do the best I could which I regret in no way what so ever. A break from the continual pressure of trying to afford to keep a horse would be wonderful. Especially since I’ll only have a part time job if I’m at university. Keeping a horse on a part time job is not fun. I would NOT be giving up horses forever, I’ve realised now that I do love horses. As soon as I’m out of university or in a better financial position I’ll be getting back on the band wagon of riding.

So that’s where I stand at the moment. Still a bit confused but getting there slowly. The good thing is I went for an amazing three hour bareback ride on Friday night. My friend Emma convinced me to go for a ride on our neighbor’s farm. I thought it was going to be a short ride which is why I went bareback but it wasn’t. We ended up doing the last half an hour in the dark and I can’t believe we didn’t get lost. I wasn’t even sore after it which was great! Then yesterday afternoon some of our neighbors and us went on a big goat muster to get the feral goats in. Murray is home for a week from his job just out of Palmy so I rode out with him and we spent an awesome three hours chasing after goats and talking about everything. Its so great to be relaxing with horses and in good company. I’m also starting on cleaning out and organizing the tack room tonight which is going to be a big job, but I’m excited. The room is a mess and I love organizing :)